Andie MacDowell Monologues

You think they're yours, but they're not. Everybody that walks in that door becomes part of your problem. Anybody that comes in contact with you. I didn't want to be part of your problem, but I am. I'm leaving my husband, and maybe I would have anyway, but the fact is, is, I'm doing it now, and part of it's because of you. You've had an effect on my life.

So let me see, you said, um, you said that I should never take advice from someone that I haven't had sex with, right… right?

Right. And, uh, we haven't had sex…

right?

So, I, I, I guess from your own advice, I shouldn't take your advice.

You're not gonna worry in losing them, I always lose my keys, I hate that.

My life is shit. It's just shit. Nothing's what I thought it was. John's a bastard. Let's make a videotape.

Why not?

And what would you know about a normal frame of mind?

I want out of this marriage.

I. Want. Out. Of. This. Marriage.

I think that um... I think that sex is overrated. I think that people place far too much importance on it, and I think that stuff about women wantin' it just as bad as men is crap. I mean I think that women want it, I just don't think that they want it for the same reason that men think they do.

I want to know why you are the way you are!

Being happy isn't all that great. I mean… the last time I was… really happy… I got really fat.

I thought about you. Have you thought about me?

What did you think?

I'd like to know what I look like havin' an orgasm. Can you do that?

I've just got all this time on my hands, and I just sit around and start inventing these, like, intricate scenarios...

And then I don't want to have wasted all my time, so I want to believe in them.

Garbage. All I've been thinking about all week is garbage. I mean, I just can't stop thinking about it.

Anyway, being happy isn't all that great. I mean, the last time I was really happy… I got so fat. I must have put on 25 pounds. I thought John was gonna have a stroke.

It makes me angry because I can't justify being angry.

You never used to say the word "fucking."

I brought you this. I knew it was your birthday.

I always lose my keys. I hate that.

You can't possibly trust him. He's perverted.

That's beautiful… That's really beautiful

I'm sure he probably wishes that I would initiate things once in awhile - and I would except for - it just never occurs to me, And the few times I have felt like, I was by myself.

What do you mean?

Oh, oh. God, no! No. Uh-uh.

Well, I tried once. It just seemed so stupid!

I don't know, it just seemed like a dumb thing to do and, God, you know, and then I started worrying that my dead grandfather was maybe watching me, you know, and oh - oh, it just seemed is stupid.

Oh, they're fine. I mean, they're fine. Except for I'm kinda going through this thing where I don't want him to touch me.

Oh, John, I don't know. I just feel so stupid sitting there talking about my little problems when I know those poor children are starving.

I've never really been that much into sex. I mean, I like it and everything; but, you know, I just don't think it's such a big deal and, oh, I wouldn't miss it, you know, kind of thing. But, well lately I've just been kinda curious about how things have slacked off.

That's how Cynthia thinks. I hate it when I have feelings that she has. It bothers me when I think about men; because, I know that's the way she thinks.