Allen Garfield Monologues

When are you gonna get a new scrambler, Harry? This one went out with the Trojan War.

Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is the Moran S-15 harmonica tap. This electronic marvel can be installed in a matter of two minutes. Notice here it has its own nickel cadmium power source, so it cannot be detected on the line. Once installed, it can be phoned from any telephone in the world, Singapore, Karachi, even Moscow. I say Moscow 'cause you look a little Russian there, sir, with the beard. You just dial the target's phone number, pause before the last digit, blow the harmonica tone into the phone, press the last digit. The phone will not ring in the target's house. Instead, the receiver will be turned into an actual room microphone, thus enabling surveillance to take place.

I know you heard this a thousand times, Harry, but let me say it again. Here's to Harry, the best, bar none. I'll drink to that.

You know, I was rereading Dear Abby the other night, and there was this article, a letter from a fella called "Lonely and Anonymous." I think it was Harry.

You know something, Harry? Twelve years ago, I recorded every telephone call made by the presidential nominee of a major political party. I don't want to say which party. But everywhere he went, that's where I was. Coast to coast, I was listening, Harry. I'm not saying I elected the President of the United States, but you can draw your own conclusions, Harry.

Know what these things cost, Harry? This cost 1,500 beans. Come on. On the house, from me to you.