Albert Brooks Monologues

I paid for it - out of my own pocket. This is just the shell; it's the inside that counts, not the outside, right Shannon?

Here's what I'm prepared to offer. You give me the money, the girl is safe. Forever. Nobody knows about her. She's off the map. I can't offer you the same. So, this is what I would suggest. We conclude our deal. We'll shake hands. You start the rest of your life. Any dreams you have, or plans, or hopes for your future… I think you're going to have to put that on hold. For the rest of your life you're going to be looking over your shoulder. I'm just telling you this because I want you to know the truth. But the girl is safe.

Did Shannon ever tell you how we met?

I used to produce movies. In the 80s. Kind of like action films. Sexy stuff. One critic called them European. I thought they were shit. Anyway, he arranged all the cars for me. Did all the stunts. I liked him. I liked having him around. Even though he overcharged the shit out of me. His next business venture, he got involved with some of Nino's friends. They didn't go for the overcharging bit. They broke his pelvis. He's never had a lot of luck. The reason I'm telling you this is that he has a lot invested in you. And so do I. So anything you need, you call me. We're a team now.

I'm excited!

My partner is a belligerent asshole with his back up against a wall, and now, so am I.

Ok, I'll meet you at the place near the thing where we went that time.

I know you care about him. I've never seen you like this about anyone, so please don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the Devil.

What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around?

Come on! Nobody is going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail! What's he gonna sound like?

No. I'm semi-serious here.

He will be attractive! He'll be nice and helpful. He'll get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation. He'll never do an evil thing! He'll never deliberately hurt a living thing... he will just bit by little bit lower our standards where they are important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he'll talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women.

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?

A lot of alliterations from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!

And if things had gone differently for me tonight, then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: He personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lede.

And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense... and it's you.

I'm going to stop right now. Except that I would give anything if you were two people, so that I could call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one that I like *so much*!

Here's a good one. They allow us to have cameras at an execution in Florida. Do you broadcast tape of the guy in the chair when they turn on the voltage?

No, NICE calls, worried that I was having a heart attack.

I think we have the kind of friendship where if I were the devil, you'd be the only one I would tell.

Six years from now, I'll be back here with my wife and two kids. And I'll see you, and one of my kids will say, "Daddy, who is that?" And I'll say it's not nice to point at single fat women.

No, I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses it against their bosses buttocks and then smooches is an ass-kisser.

I can sing while I read, I am singing and reading both.

120 people were reported injured, at least 22 people died.

I wish I were one of them.

If anything happens to me, you tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.