Adam Sandler Monologues

Uh… Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting… bigger.

So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.

Knibb High football rules!

Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.

No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying!

Okay, alright… Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.

That's some idea. You just think of that?

Umm… this is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me but I went to high school with you. And I, um, kinda gave you a hard time back then, and, uh, I did some things I thought were funny at the time, and realized they were just mean and stupid. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me.

It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.

Give me one more chance, I'll prove I can take over. I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again, and I'll get the diploma all by myself.

My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

Oh yeah, plenty of times. The other night, I was with my Momma and Coach Klein at the same time.

Oh, thank you. But, you see there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt. She may be the devil, Momma said that. Consequently, I am prohibited from contact with her. But, I hope to get past that one day cause she's nice to talk to.

Look who's on TV, Mama… it's the devil.

The devil?

Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!

And by the way, Mama. "Alligators" are ornery 'cause of their "Medula Oblongata"!And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies, and I like them too!

Mama says that alligators are ornery… 'cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.

Mama say that happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you feelin' blue.

No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong. Mama's right. You're all wrong. Mama's right. Mama's right!

Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl, do ya?

If you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go hang myself.

I was looking at our proposal. You know what? After getting to know you a little bit, I realize this is not what you're all about. In fact, let's just throw it out, all right. The river in the lobby idea, what an egghead move. Let's just keep all the plans simple, forget all the niceties, and maximize our revenue. That's what its all about anyways, the profits. But do me a favor. Just give us your account and your trust. That way we can get the hell out of this dump, go to a T.G.I. Friday's, and do some Jell-O shots 'til this guy pukes up a lung.

Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S. Your Wife's Rockin' Body Still Drives Me Crazy.

I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with yodels... you get acid.

I promise, I'm not going to work tonight, I'm going to stay home with you, and we're going to watch Dragon Tales.

You've gotta show me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy!

You can come over tomorrow night and the next night and the next night and whenever you want!

Twinkie. Don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Good job.

I - I did. I did. I - John, I just feel would should stop on wasting our energy on corporate brown nosing, and worrying who's got the better suit. Armani, Calvin Klein. Who cares? Let's concentrate on what really matters. The work.

Ben, I promise you I'm going to finish the tree house and we are going to sleep in it next weekend! And you and I are going to exercise together and I'm not gonna wear a speedo!

Donna, I'm not out there drinking or gambling or hitting on chicks, I'm working my ass off so that my family can have a better life than I ever dreamed of having when I was a kid. And the only way for that to happen is for me to watch the freaking show! So relax, hon!

Linger by the Cranberries was the song playing during our first kiss, and you looked so hot in that pink sweater.

Yeah, I remember what Janine was wearing, she scared the shit out of me then!

Michael, like I said, good guys need a break. I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love, Morty P.S. Your wife's rockin' body still drives me crazy.

Come on! KG. This is no different than that. This is me. All right? I'm not a fuckin' athlete, this is my fuckin' way. This is how I win. All right?

I know. I know. Jews and colon cancer. What *is* that? I thought we were the chosen people.

That's a million-dollar opal you're holding. Straight from the Ethiopian Jewish tribe. I mean this is old-school, Middle-earth shit.

Well look. Look at him tonight, without it. He didn't have it tonight, look how fuckin' bad he played. He s- - He wants to own it. So, I tell him come to the auction, fuckin' make a bid for it, like everyone else.

Well - you wanna win by one point or fuckin' thirty points, KG? Right? I see ya out there when the fuckin' stadium's all booin' ya! You're thirty up, you're still goin' full tilt!

Everything I do is not goin' right! Everything I do is not goin' right! I don't know what to do, I really don't.

They say you can see the whole universe in opals, that's how fuckin' old they are.

You see that other guy though, Phil? One'a your boys from Boston? You had some boys in Boston? You'll see what I'm talkin' - hang on! This fucker? Is that one'a your boys, that fat fuck? Looks like you. Looks like one'a your boys.

You send me somethin' like that and then you don't pick up your phone? Are you - you fuckin' with me? I'm tryin' to have a nice peaceful dinner - With my family, which is somethin' you wouldn't understand because you don't have one. You wanna play mind games with me? Huh? Well so whatever you meant by your little link, I meant when I said I want you out of my apartment tonight! And I want confirmation! By text, not a link. Via text, Howie I am gone! 10 p.m.! Don't you fucking call me!

Arno. Listen. No bullshit... Kevin Garnett is comin' to my office right now. With $175,000 cash. All right? You say I got till Monday? Today is still Monday, so. I don't know if you're hearin' this but Arno this is real. Kevin's really on the way. He was just at the bank. Come get your money, buddy. I need the Celtic ring back.

From stone to stone Garnett's a stone you know that. That's a million dollar opal you're holding straight from the Ethiopian Jewish tribe. I mean this old school Middle Earth shit.

Dinosaur's that right the motherfucking dinosaur's staring at this shit.That's the thing they say you can see the whole universe in opal that's how fucking old they are.

From stone to stone Garnett's a stone you know that. That's a million dollar opal you're holding straight from the Ethiopian Jewish tribe. I mean this is old school Middle Earth shit.

Dinosaur's that right the motherfucking dinosaur's staring at this shit.

Geena was five. Jenny was seven, she, uh… she liked boys already. Julie was 9. She was… she was older. They all looked alike, Johnson. Like Doreen. Doreen was my wife. DT. That was her nickname. Doreen Timpleman. She had a dog, Spider. Spider… the poodle. They'd wake me up all the time, Saturday mornings, you know, singing Beatles songs to me in harmony, the four of them… so cute, so cute. Doreen never judged me… never nagged like some wives do. Wanted me to take my shoes off so I didn't wreck the carpet. That's it. Doreen and the girls were VERY female. I… I… I was the oddball, you know. Mr. Man. They adored me, Johnson…

With the long brown hair... except little Geena. She kept the hair short... to be different from everybody... she, um, she had a birthmark, though. Looked like a burn... but it wasn't. She always said it was gonna go away, but it... it never did. Jenny, Jenny, this one... she wanted to be a gymnast. She was such a klutz, though. I didn't have the heart to mention it as a problem. They, uh, went to see Doreen's sister Ellen and her girls in Boston, and they took Spider, because... I had to work and they didn't trust me to feed her, but that was a joke. We were all going to DT's little cousin's wedding in Los Angeles, and I was gonna meet them out there... The kids wanted to go to Disneyland, but they... they uh, were already gonna miss a couple days of school, so we had to say no. You know. So I'm going out to meet them in Los Angeles, and on the way to JFK, I'm in a taxicab and I hear on the radio...

I get there and the man tells me the plane's from Boston… another man tells me there's two planes.

Then I go inside the airport and I'm watching. I'm watching on the television... and I... and I... I... I saw it. I saw it and I felt it at the same time. I thought about Geena's birthmark, and I... I felt them burning...

I don't need to talk about her or look at pictures. 'Cause the truth is, a lot of times, I see her, on the street. I walk down the street, I see her in someone else's face. Clearer than any of the pictures you carry with you. I get that you're in pain, but you've got each other. You got each other! And I'm the one who's gotta see her and the girls all the time. Everywhere I go! I even see the dog. That's how fucked up I still am! I look at a German shepherd, I see our goddamn poodle.

To tell you the truth, I kinda am, Johnson. I, uh, it's nice to see you in the soup like this. I'm not used to it. Any chance of you getting audited this week? That would make things even better. Or maybe we could go somewhere and you could burn your tongue on some pizza. How would you like that?

Yeah. Just make sure they never schedule me near that girl, all right? I would... No, it's just I never wanna see her again. That's trouble. She's too good-looking. I just... Nobody has a right to look that good. She's just trouble for everybody.

I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.

I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.

Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?

I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me 'that's that' before I beat the hell from you. I have so much strength in me you have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say 'that's that', Mattress Man.

Healthy Choice and American Airlines got together and put this promotion: If you buy any 10 Healthy Choice products, they will reward you with 500 frequent flier miles; with this special coupon, they'll up it to 1,000 miles. So, I think they are trying to push their teriyaki chicken which is $1.79, but I went to the supermarket and I looked around and I saw that they had pudding… for 25¢ a cup… comes in packages of four. But insanely… the barcodes… are on the individual cups! So, quarter a cup, say you bought $2.50 worth. That's worth 500… with the coupon it's 1,000 miles. It's a marketing mistake but I'm taking advantage of it. If you were to spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flier miles. You would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.

Yes, this is Barry Egan, I am calling in regards of what took place the other night... I just wanted to tell everybody I know it was not fair what you did to me... and I am expecting my money back. I realize you have my home phone number... I'm away on vacation right now, if you guys wanna reach me... shortly I will be home and we can discuss how you can return my money. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that the Police can be contacted and I could do that... and I feel like it's warranted, so let's figure something out! Like I said, I'll be home shortly, give me a call. Ok, thank you.

My name is Happy Gilmore. Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey. I wasn't really the greatest skater though. But that didn't stop my dad from teaching me the secret of smacking his greatest slap shot.

You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL!

During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.

Hey, my girlfriend is dead, you know. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

That Son of a Bitch. Give me my ball, come on, pop it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna... give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye, Chubbs. You took his hand.