Tommy Lee Jones Monologues

I am the Georgia Peach. I have 4,191 base hits in 11,429 at bats, 920 stolen bases, 2,244 runs scored, and 93 batting records; and I want you to take off every stitch of your clothes.

The desire for glory is not a sin.

Baseball is a red blooded sport for red blooded men. It's no pink tea, and molly-coddles had better stay out... It's a struggle for supremacy, a survival of the fittest.

Know ye that a prince and a great man has fallen this day.

Shit! Will you stop explaining yourself, and stand by your damn convictions? You beat the great Ty Cobb - I respect that, but if you're gonna print it, print it all. My second son weighed 300 pounds. Died in the arms of a whore in Paso Robles, California. My other son, lost all track of him. My two ex-wives won't speak to me, and my daughter, you know goddamn well won't speak to me, and Ty Cobb can't get it up anymore. Print it all!

I want everything back I took out of Bethlehem Steel, and I want it all now.

It is not confusing. It's simple - you won. You go ahead and tell the whole wide world that the greatest ballplayer who ever lived is also the greatest bastard. Eureka! Who fucking cares?

I had to fight all my life to survive. They were all against me, but I beat the bastards and left them in the ditch.

'Cobb, a prince among men, misunderstood in his genius, as genius always is'...

This is the second line from what will be the greatest biography of a great man ever written - type it!

A ball bat is a wondrous weapon, but you should never grip it at the end if you want balance and control. Learn the fundamentals. The game is a science. Batting is a mental activity, a study in psychology, an observation of little details. Every great batter works on the theory that the pitcher is more afraid of him than he is of the pitcher. The batter owns the plate. The pitcher must come to you. If John McGraw were a young man, I would've killed him. I regret I didn't go to college. I feel I should have been a doctor.

The South may not rise again young man, but my dick will.

You have never been this close to greatness in your short life son. And you love it.

I started playing baseball when I was a kid like everybody else but better than everybody else.

All right, listen up, ladies and gentlemen, our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble. Go get him.

Newman, what are you doing?

Well, think me up a cup of coffee and a chocolate doughnut with some of those little sprinkles on top, while you're thinking.

Oh! Wow, gee whiz, looky here! You know, we're always fascinated when we find leg irons with no legs in them. Who held the keys, sir?

Newman, we're gonna send you a bunch of cops, make sure they turn that place inside out.

And don't let them give you any shit about your pony tail.

Well, why don't you say strange or weird? I mean hinky, that has no meaning.

I don't want you guys using words around me that have no meaning. I'm taking the stairs and walking.

Dr. Richard Kimble! There's no way out of here, Richard! The entire building is locked down! Give it up Richard, you don't have any time, Chicago police department thinks you're a cop killer, they WILL shoot you on sight!

Richard, I know you're innocent! I know about Frederick Sykes! I know about Dr. Charles Nichols! Richard, he borrowed your car the night of your wife's murder, he had your keys! No forced entry, Richard! He telephoned Sykes from your car, Richard! Richard, give it up! Richard, I'm either lying or I'm gonna shoot you, what do you think?

Give it up, Richard, it's time to stop running!

Then you can explain the difference in the sound of an elevated train as opposed to a train that's running along the ground. You must have ears like a eagle, play that back, I wanna hear the sound of an elevated train.

Doctor Nichols, you really want to help him? You really want to be his friend? Then you'll help us bring him in, unharmed.

Yeah, we're smart. We are. I mean, how smart could he be, really? Is he as smart as you are?

All right, I want to start right there. We're going start with phone taps. I want to start with his lawyer first.

You call Judge Reuben and tell him I want a whole bunch of phone taps…

And I'll call him later and tell him on who…

IF, I'm in a good mood.

Sheriff Rawlins, with all due respect, I'd like to suggest check points on a 15 mile radius out here on I-57, I-24 and on route 13 out of Chester...

Well, shit, sheriff, I'd hate to see that happen, so I guess I'll just take over your investigation.

Governor of the state of Illinois, United States Marshals Office, 5th District Northern Illinois.

So he showed up not dead yet. Let that be a lesson to you, boys and girls. Don't ever argue with the big dog, because the big dog is always right.

Look on your maps if you wanna know how to get there!

Well, Sir, Mr. Copeland was a bad man. He was gonna shoot one of my kids.

Well, sir, you can blame me, I'm the one that shot him.

A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!

All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.

On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.

We are the best kept secret in the galaxy. We monitor, licence and police all alien activity on the Earth. We're your first, last, and only line of defense. We live in secret, we exist in shadow.

Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?

We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.

It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?

All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are approximately 1500 aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.

In the mid-50s the government started an underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everyone thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us that first night. Seven agents, one astronomer,

This way... They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see 'Casablanca?' Same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed and concealed all the evidence of their landing.

I was sheriff of this county when I was twenty-five years old. Hard to believe. My grandfather was a lawman; father too. Me and him was sheriffs at the same time; him up in Plano and me out here. I think he's pretty proud of that. I know I was. Some of the old time sheriffs never even wore a gun. A lotta folks find that hard to believe. Jim Scarborough'd never carried one; that's the younger Jim. Gaston Boykins wouldn't wear one up in Comanche County. I always liked to hear about the oldtimers. Never missed a chance to do so. You can't help but compare yourself against the oldtimers. Can't help but wonder how they would have operated these times. There was this boy I sent to the 'lectric chair at Huntsville Hill here a while back. My arrest and my testimony. He killt a fourteen-year-old girl. Papers said it was a crime of passion but he told me there wasn't any passion to it. Told me that he'd been planning to kill somebody for about as long as he could remember. Said that if they turned him out he'd do it again. Said he knew he was going to hell. "Be there in about fifteen minutes". I don't know what to make of that. I sure don't. The crime you see now, it's hard to even take its measure. It's not that I'm afraid of it. I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But, I don't want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don't understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He'd have to say, "O.K., I'll be part of this world."

Alright then. Two of 'em. Both had my father in 'em. It's peculiar. I'm older now then he ever was by twenty years. So in a sense he's the younger man. Anyway, first one I don't remember too well but it was about meeting him in town somewhere, he's gonna give me some money. I think I lost it. The second one, it was like we was both back in older times and I was on horseback goin' through the mountains of a night. Goin' through this pass in the mountains. It was cold and there was snow on the ground and he rode past me and kept on goin'. Never said nothin' goin' by. He just rode on past… and he had his blanket wrapped around him and his head down and when he rode past I seen he was carryin' fire in a horn the way people used to do and I could see the horn from the light inside of it. 'Bout the color of the moon. And in the dream I knew that he was goin' on ahead and he was fixin' to make a fire somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold, and I knew that whenever I got there he would be there. And then I woke up…

You know Charlie Walser's, got that place out east of Sanderson? Well, you know how they used to slaughter beeves, hit 'em right there with a maul, truss 'em up and slit their throats? Here, ol' Charlie's got one all trussed up, all set to drain him and the beef comes to, starts thrashing around. Six hundred pounds of very pissed-off livestock. If you'll excuse the... Well... Charlie grabs the gun there, shoot the damn thing in the head, but with all the swingin' and the thrashin', it's a glance-shot, ricochets around, comes back and hits Charlie in the shoulder. You go see Charlie, he still can't pick up his right hand for his hat... The point bein', that even in the contest between man and steer, the issue is not certain.

I always figured when I got older, God would sorta come inta my life somehow. And he didn't. I don't blame him. If I was him I would have the same opinion of me that he does.

And this went on until… here, I quote: "Neighbors were alerted when a man ran from the premises wearing only a dog collar." Can't make up such a thing as that-I dare you to even try. But that's what it took, you notice, to get somebody's attention. Diggin' graves in the backyard didn't bring any.