Leigh Anne Tuohy

Michael, I want you to have a good time but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock, I will crawl into the car, drive up to Oxford and cut off your penis.

No, you hear me, BITCH!. You threaten my son, you threaten me. You so much as cross into downtown, you will be sorry. I'm in a prayer group with the D.A., I'm a member of the N.R.A., and I'm always packing.

Um… before or after he turns around in his grave? Daddy's been gone five years Elaine. Make matters worse you were at the funeral, remember? You were wearing Chanel and that awful black hat? Look, here's the deal, I don't need y'all to approve my choices alright, but I do ask that you respect them. You have no idea what this boy has been through and if this becomes some running diatribe, I can find overpriced salad a lot closer to home.

There's a moment of orderly silence before a football play begins. Players are in position, linemen are frozen, and anything is possible. Then, like a traffic accident, stuff begins to randomly collide. From the snap of the ball to the snap of the first bones, closer to four seconds than five.

One-mississippi - Joe Theismann, the Redskins quarterback takes the snap and hands-off to his running back. Two-mississippi - it's a trick play, a flea-flicker. And the running back tosses it back to the quarterback. Three-mississippi - up 'til now the play's been defined by what the quarterback sees; it's about to be defined by what he doesn't. Four-mississippi - Lawrence Taylor is the best defensive player in the NFL and has been from the time he walked onto the fielded as a rookie. He will also change the game of football as we know it... Legendary quarterback Joe Theismann never played another down of football.

Now, y'all would guess that more often than not, the highest paid player on an NFL team is the quarterback. And you'd be right. But what you probably don't know is that more often than not, the second highest paid player is, thanks to Lawrence Taylor, a left tackle. Because, as every housewife knows, the first check you write is for the mortgage, but the second is for the insurance. The left tackle's job is to protect the quarterback from what he can't see coming. To protect his blind side.

You know, when I was driving all over Kingdom Come looking for you I just kept thinking about one thing - Ferdinand the Bull. Everyone assumed because he was big that he wanted to fight in the ring. But he just wanted to sit under a tree and smell the flowers… I know I should have asked this a long time ago but do you even wanna play football? I mean, do you even like it?