Ronald Bass

My wife is an alcoholic. Best person I ever met. She has 600 different smiles. They can light up your life. They can make you laugh out loud, just like that. They can even make you cry, just like that. That's just with her smiles. You'd have to see her with her kids. You'd have to see how they look at her, when she's not looking. To think of all the things she lives through, and I couldn't help her.

Well, it wasn't. See I love her. And I tried everything, except really listening, really listening, and that's how I left her alone. I was so ashamed of that, and I couldn't even tell her. Maybe if I tell her she'd love me anyway.

First time, I'll get used to it. There was a lot of people there feeling sorry for themselves. It's like an alcoholic has ruined their lives and they'd rather be a victim than try and fix it.

Okay, when is the next freight train coming through? You got a printed schedule? Cause I could plan around these things, you know, and give you the space so you can, you know, smoke.

Come on, let's be real. You're clean. You stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills. And I'll take the heat. 'Cause I got some needs of my own. When I touch my wife, I like it better if her skin doesn't crawl.

My wife hurts. I need to be able to say 'What's wrong, honey? Something I can do? And I love you. So fuck me.'

I think I could love you again if you could, for once, say 'I don't know.'

The trouble with al these losers at your meeting is that they are not perfect like some people. They're married to alcoholics who are bouncing off the walls and they don't know what the fuck to do. So you might have to be a little tolerant, give them the benefit of your expertise in problem solving.

Nothing happened, Michael. Nothing has to happen for me to have a bad day. That's the thrilling part of all this. It just comes and hits and runs me over like a goddamn freight train.

Maybe you shouldn't have to, Michael. One of the women at my meetings is going to a half way house, because she is not making it in her home environment and I…

Fuck that! Fuck making it better. It's not getting better! I don't know how to make it better and I swear to God you don't either!

It's horrifying how much you can hate yourself for being low and weak and he couldn't save me from that. So I turned it on him; I tried to empty it onto him. But there was always more, you know. When he tried to help I told him that he made me feel small and worthless. But nobody makes us feel that, we do that for ourselves. I shut him out because I knew if he ever really saw who I was inside, that he wouldn't love me. And we're separated now, he's moved away, and it was so hard not to beg him to stay. And I don't know if I'm going to get a second chance but I have to believe. That I deserve one. Because we all do.

I drink a quart a day. It's vodka so you couldn't smell it.

No Michael, we're supposed to try to be real. And when you feel alone, you are not together, and that is real.

The old woman remembered a swan she had bought many years ago in Shanghai for a foolish sum. "This bird", boasted the market vendor, "was once a duck that stretched its neck in hopes of becoming a goose. And now look, it is too beautiful to eat!" Then the woman and the swan sailed across an ocean many thousands of lei wide, stretching their necks toward America. On her journey, she cooed to the swan, "In America, I will have a daughter just like me. But over there, nobody will say her worth is measured by the loudness of her husbands belch. Over there, nobody will look down on her because I will make her speak only perfect American English. And over there, she will always be too full to swallow any sorrow. She will know my meaning because I will give her this swan, a creature that became more than what was hoped for." But when she arrived in the new country the immigration officials pulled the swan away from her, leaving the woman fluttering her arms and with only one swan feather for a memory. For a long time now, the women had wanted to give her daughter the single swan feather and tell her; "This feather may look worthless, but it comes from afar and carries with it all my good intentions."

I just realized I'm not pissed off anymore. My father cut me out of his will. You probably knew he tried to contact me over the years. I never called him back. I was a prick. If he was my son and didn't return my calls, I'd have written him out. But it's not about the money anymore. You know, I just don't understand. Why didn't he tell me I had a brother? Why didn't anyone ever tell me that I had a brother? Because it'd have been nice to know him for more than just the past six days.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE WHERE YOU BUY UNDERWEAR? WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? UNDERWEAR IS UNDERWEAR! IT IS UNDERWEAR WHEREVER YOU BUY IT! IN CINCINNATI OR WHEREVER!

You know what I think, Ray? I think this autism is a bunch of shit! Because you can't tell me that you're not in there somewhere!

I'm sorry ma'am, I lied to you. I'm very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn't get to watch 'People's Court' in about 30 seconds, he's gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen.

I'll tell you a story about my father, that car in the garage, was off limits to me. He said it was a classic, it demands respect. One day, I'm a sophomore in high school, I bring home a report card, it's almost all A's so I go to the old man, ask him if I can take the car out as sort of a victory drive. He says no. So I stole the keys and snuck it out.

This is a good one. We don't go out when it rains, this is a real good one. I hope you appreciate this because my business is going down the fucking toilet. I should be in L.A., instead I'm in the Honeymoon Haven motel in Bumblefuck, Missouri because you won't go out when it rains. Mystifying. Fucking mystifying.

When I asked you a week ago, 'Why didn't anyone tell me I had a brother?', you didn't have an answer, I don't know. It's funny, I just realized I'm not pissed off anymore that my father cut me out of his will. You were his friend, you probably knew that he tried to contact me a few times over the years. I never called him back, I was a prick; and if he was my son, didn't return my calls, I'd have written him out, fuck him. But it's not about the money any more. It's about… you know, I… just don't understand why didn't he tell me I had a brother? Why didn't you tell me I had a brother? Why didn't anyone ever tell me I had a brother? I mean… because it'd have been nice to know him for more than just these past six days.

Ray, you're never gonna solve it. It's not a riddle because Who *is* on first base. That's a joke, Ray, it's comedy, but when you do it you're not funny. You're like the comedy of Abbott and Abbott.

Small, and safe. Don't wanna miss the party. You know that, there's a party in your honor Ray. When we get to LA, there'll be a little custody hearing. Lawyers are setting it up right now. Know why there's a party for you? Because you're the $3,000,000 man.

Now it's five and a half weeks and I'm still sitting on four Lamborghinis that can't meet spot emissions standards. Now, how many times you wash out with EPA?

Three times? You're really on a roll here, my friend; four cars, three times each - that's zip for twelve. What are you, a... mechanic, or a NASA engineer? Now listen, now, I told you I've never dealt with these Lamborghinis before, and yet you assured me that you can deliver these cars within that time frame. Don't, don't tell me that, 'cause I - I'm not even listening.