Man on the Moon Monologues

The life and career of legendary comedian Andy Kaufman.

Hello. I am Andy and I would like to thank you for coming to my movie. I wish it was *better*, you know, but... it is so stupid! It's terrible! I do not even like it. All of the most important things in my life are changed around and mixed up for dramatic purposes. So, I decided to cut out all of the baloney! Now the movie is much *shorter*.

In fact, this is the end of the movie. Thank you very much.

Since you've all been such good boys and girls, I would like to take everybody in this entire audience out for milk and cookies. There are buses outside. Everybody follow me.

I am from Caspiar, an Island in the Caspian Sea. It sunk.

I am sick of this shit, Lawler. I am gonna sue you. I'm gonna sue you, I swear to God. Fuck you! Okay? Okay, Lawler? Fuck you! I'm sorry, Dave. I know I'm not supposed to use those words on television. I can't say those words. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But, you, you are a motherfucking, fucking asshole! Okay?

I hate sitcoms, George. They're just… stupid jokes… and canned laughter! And you don't know why it's there, but it's there. And… and that's DEAD people laughing! Did you know that? Those people are dead!

See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs. I want real gut reactions. I want the audience to have gone through an experience. They love me, they hate me, they walk out. It's all great.

I did not agree to wrestle you! I did not agree! This is assault and battery, and I'm gonna get a team of lawyers to sue you... and your children and your children's children.

I just... I think of the world as, as an illusion, and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously.

George, at this point the audience expects me to shock them all the time. But short of faking my own death or setting the theater on fire, I don't know what else to do. Because I've always gotta be one step ahead of them.

Women are superior to men in many ways. That's right. When it comes to cooking, cleaning, washing the potatoes, scrubbing the carrots, making the babies, mopping the floors… they have it all over men. I believe that. But when it comes to wrestling…

SHUT UP! Be quiet when a MAN is talking!