Clayton Rohner Monologues

Um, excuse me. Could I have your attention please? Your attention? Every day at lunch, we get a very special treat from a very special guy. A guy who has dedicated his life to building his body, pushing his muscles to the very limits of human endurance. Why, you ask? Why? Well, to be strong enough to lift tables and spill food, Greg Tolan!

Whoa, wait. Let's take a moment to find out a little bit about the man behind the mess. Greg! May I call you Greg? Now, tell us, Greg, how did you get into spilling food, huh? Were you a messy baby? Did you hate your strained peas? Well, you know, how most psychologists tell us that guys, well, they get into body building to compensate for either a lack of IQ, or a small weenie. Which is it, Greg? Well, those of us in Greg's gym class certainly know the answer to that one.

Hey, isn't he great? Muscles and a sense of humor. Well, let's thank Greg for the many lunchtime thrills and spills he's given us. All right everybody, up! Come on, everybody up! Grab an end of your table!

It was no big deal. I was 14 and she was a friend of my mom's after my dad died. I think she wanted to cheer me up. She did.

Um, if my Mom comes home from work and she asks you about my girlfriend… Just so you know, her name is Alice, and she looks a lot like Chris Evert Lloyd.

I just don't want her to worry, you know, about my social life.

You know, Prince, Michael Jackson? It all goes back to James Brown, the godfather of soul. Not to mention, Mr. Humanitarian, My. Dynamite and the hardest working man in show business. Ah, New York City, live, the Apollo Theater, 1962. This man was king.

Well, when I hear James I have to dance. You know, like James. I can't help it. I go crazy. And, uh, I'm usually alone when I do it.