Todd Phillips

When does telling the truth ever help anybody?

Everyone's fighting over the same pie and ignoring the crumbs. I live on crumbs. Like a rat.

Sorry. Don't worry, I have to go first, I'm American.

All the money is made between the lines.

They don't want to, they have to. Remember Little League? How, at the end of the season, they'd give out that big MVP trophy and that one kid would always win it?

Right. But then, one year, somebody's mom complained? Then they had to give everybody a little trophy so they wouldn't feel bad? Even that fat retarded kid. Robbie Friedman, got one. That's kind of like what's happening here.

The Pentagon fucked up when they were rebuilding the Iraqi Army. They gave all these no-bid contracts to Cheney's boys, and they got caught. So Bush started this initiative to level the playing field and now every Pentagon purchase, every gun, every grenade, every bullet, gets offered to small businesses for bidding. And sure, the big dogs still get the big trophies. But the Pentagon's got to give little trophies to all the Robbie Friedmans of the world.

Iraq is dope. I'm thinking about getting a place there.

You keep supplying the guns, we'll keep killing the bad guys. God bless you.

I think you should come work for me.

This isn't about being pro-war. This is about being pro-money.

What do you know about war? They'll tell you it's about patriotism, democracy... or some shit about the other guy hating our freedom. But you wanna know what it's really about? What do you see? A kid from Arkansas doing his patriotic duty to defend his country? I see a helmet, fire-retardant gloves, body armor and an M16. I see $17, 500. That's what it costs to outfit one American soldier. Over two million soldiers fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. It cost the American taxpayer $4.5 billion each year just to pay the air conditioning bills for those wars. And that's what war is really about. War is an economy. Anybody who tells you otherwise is either in on it or stupid.

They called guys like us war dogs. Bottom feeders who make money off of war without ever stepping foot on the battlefield. It was supposed to be derogatory, but… we kind of liked it.

So, I don't get it. If there's an entire defense industry, why would the Pentagon want to buy anything from you?

True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend…

I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them.

Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.

Well, yes, but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?

Why in front of the kid? With the F-ing? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him. "Earmuffs". Then you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch", whatever you want.

I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three-and-a-half-million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. Tou think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.

Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.

Because this is a very big idea, my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and, more importantly, age have bearing whatsoever.

I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini-bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.

You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen-year-old girls everyday?

Guys, this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away.

Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.

All right, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.

Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly, you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over…

Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.

Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one-way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.

Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.

Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second-degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.

What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.

No. That's a piece of crap. We stopped selling that six months ago. Nice gesture, though.

The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don't.

You don't listen, do you? I don't think you ever really hear me. You just ask the same questions every week. "How's your job?" "Are you having any negative thoughts?" All I have are negative thoughts.

I used to think that my life was a tragedy, but now I realize, it's a fucking comedy.

For my whole life, I didn't know if I even really existed. But I do, and people are starting to notice.

I just hope my death makes more cents than my life.

I haven't been happy one minute of my entire fucking life.

Ugh, why is everybody so upset about these guys? If it was me dying on the sidewalk you'd walk right over me! I pass you everyday and you don't notice me! But these guys? Well because Thomas Wayne would cry about them on TV?

Have you seen what it's like out there, Murray? Do you ever actually leave the studio? Everybody just yells and screams at each other. Nobody's civil anymore. Nobody thinks what it's like to be the other guy. You think men like Thomas Wayne ever think what it's like to be someone like me? To be somebody but themselves? They don't. They think that we'll just sit there and take it, like good little boys! That we won't werewolf and go wild!

I know it seems strange, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I don't know why everyone is so rude; I don't know why you are. I don't want anything from you. Maybe a little bit of warmth, maybe a hug, dad? How about just a little bit of fucking decency!

I've got nothing left to lose. Nothing can hurt me anymore. My life is nothing but comedy.

Comedy is subjective, Murray, isn't that what they say? All of you, the system that knows so much: you decide what's right or wrong the same way you decide what's funny or not.

She always tells me to smile, and put on a happy face.

I heard this song on the radio the other day, and the guy was singing that his name was Carnival.

Which is crazy, because that's my clown name. At work, until a little while ago, it was like nobody ever saw me. Even I didn't know if I really existed.