Nine to Five Monologues

Three female employees of a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot find a way to turn the tables on him.

Well, I say we hire a couple'a wranglers to go upstairs and beat the shit out of him.

Well why wouldn't he? He's got you for poisoning him, and me for roping him, and *you* for acting like he was first prize at a turkey shoot!

That's just great! We just waltz into the hospital and say, "We're sorry, we made a mistake." Well, maybe they'll give us Hart's body in exchange!

What? So! You've been telling everybody I'm sleeping with you, huh? Well, that explains it; that's why these people treat me like some dime-store floozy. They all think I'm screwing the boss!

Oh, and you just love it, don't you! It gives you some sort of cheap thrill, like knocking over pencils, and picking up papers...

Get your scummy hands off me. Look, I've been straight with you since the first day I got here. And I've put up will all your groping and ogling and hollow apologies and chasing me around the desk, because I need this job. BUT THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!

Look, I've got a gun out there in my purse. And up to now, I've been forgiving and forgetting because of the way I was brought up. But I'll tell you one thing: If you ever say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I'm gonna get that gun of mine... And I'm gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot!

DON'T THINK I CAN'T DO IT!

You steal the wrong body from the hospital and all you can say is I must have made a mistake!

We keep underrating you, fella. We always knew you were an obnoxious, philandering, sexist backstabber... but we didn't realize you were a crook to boot.

Well... if she gives us anymore trouble, we'll just send her back to that language school and this time, let her learn to speak German!

One thing you should know about dear old Roz… She's the eyes, ears, nose, and throat of Mr. Hart. Anything she hears, he hears.

I wouldn't exactly say that, I'd just say that if you want to gossip in the ladies' room, I'd check under the stalls, first, for her shoes.

In the trunk! Look, all we have to do is get some cement blocks, chain them to his feet and pitch him off the end of the pier, and no one will ever know.

Okay, I'm gonna leave, but let me tell you one thing before I go: don't you ever refer to me as "your girl" again.

I'll tell you what I'm talking about: I'm no girl; I'm a woman, do you hear me? I'm not your wife - thank God - or your mother...

I am your *employee* and, as such, I expect to be treated equally, with a little dignity and a little respect!

Doralee, just come off it, for God's sake. The whole office knows you two are having an affair.

I have to go shopping. We're running out of everything: cat food, fish food, ant spray, rat poison.

Judy, a vacation is only two weeks. We've got to keep her away longer then that.

You know, that idea's not half-bad. We could write it up that it's... top secret. Consolidated is looking to open overseas offices in Europe and they need executives who can... speak French or something. We could enroll Roz at one of those schools in Paris and send her there for a six-week learning course to take.

Hey, I just got some bad news. It's a telex from the head office in New York. They received our request, but due to a new computer system download and overhaul at their office… they won't be able to send us the invoices from Ajax Warehouse for another month - four to six weeks.

Yeah, Roz. Not that it doesn't add up; she's even less popular than he is... So what are we going to do about her?

Oh, now I get it. I lose a promotion because of some idiotic, biased survey. The Boys in the Club are all threatened and intimidated by any woman who doesn't ride at the back of the proverbial bus.

How could you understand, when you've never been passed over for being the wrong gender?

But Norman, she has never worked a day in her life before.

I am sympathetic, Norman, but please, why do I have to train her? Let her go work in somebody else's section.

So, and I'm a widow with 4 kids; Jerry should have never died, I could - I'd have been better off, I could have divorced him. Is that her?

We're gonna need a special locker for the hat.

I don't think I could ever shoot a gun, I don't care... I can't understand guys like Hart, who go out and shoot things, like Bambi and Thumper... and that cute little skunk?