Steve Oedekerk

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way then this. So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.

Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.

What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.

Yeah, I could do it. We both know you wouldn't stop me. So answer me please. Tell me what you're doing. Okay, let's look at the logic. You create man. Man suffers enormous amounts of pain. Man dies. Maybe you should have had just a few more brainstorming sessions prior to creation. You rested on the seventh day. Maybe you should've spent that day on compassion.

Now you have the ability to keep me from graduating. You can keep me from getting the title and the white coat. But you can't control my spirit, gentlemen. You can't keep me from learning, you can't keep me from studying. So you have a choice: you can have me as a professional colleague, passionate, or you can have me as an outspoken outsider, still adament. Either way I'll probably still be viewed as a thorn. But I promise you one thing: I am a thorn that will not go away

All of life is a coming home. Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home. It's hard to describe what I felt like then. Picture yourself walking for days in the driving snow; you don't even know you're walking in circles. The heaviness of your legs in the drifts, your shouts disappearing into the wind. How small you can feel, and how far away home can be. Home. The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin and a goal or destination. And the storm? The storm was all in my mind. Or as the poet Dante put it: In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path. Eventually I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place.

Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is THEY have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

"The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not much for blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.

Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

There are only 2 rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me you don't want that kind of attention, and you can't mess with free will.

You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father. He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son. People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor. There's freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.

Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.

No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says… God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!

What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way…

This is hilarious. So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor. Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though. One of you might need a ride home.

God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

See, that I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

The previous Buffalo record was 8 feet, 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelnick. If this beats Galdys', it will prove once and for all that the Kowolskis have much more free time. And the cookie is… 10 feet, 4 inches.

We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.

But what are we really looking at here? Is it just a big cookie, or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo, its dedicated and hardworking citizens the key ingredient, with a few nuts thrown in, and, finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm, chewy center, making out beloved Buffalo, the sweetest place to live. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.

Fine! The gloves are off, God! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!