Steve Koren

I was looking at our proposal. You know what? After getting to know you a little bit, I realize this is not what you're all about. In fact, let's just throw it out, all right. The river in the lobby idea, what an egghead move. Let's just keep all the plans simple, forget all the niceties, and maximize our revenue. That's what its all about anyways, the profits. But do me a favor. Just give us your account and your trust. That way we can get the hell out of this dump, go to a T.G.I. Friday's, and do some Jell-O shots 'til this guy pukes up a lung.

Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S. Your Wife's Rockin' Body Still Drives Me Crazy.

I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with yodels... you get acid.

I promise, I'm not going to work tonight, I'm going to stay home with you, and we're going to watch Dragon Tales.

You've gotta show me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy!

You can come over tomorrow night and the next night and the next night and whenever you want!

Twinkie. Don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Good job.

I - I did. I did. I - John, I just feel would should stop on wasting our energy on corporate brown nosing, and worrying who's got the better suit. Armani, Calvin Klein. Who cares? Let's concentrate on what really matters. The work.

Ben, I promise you I'm going to finish the tree house and we are going to sleep in it next weekend! And you and I are going to exercise together and I'm not gonna wear a speedo!

Donna, I'm not out there drinking or gambling or hitting on chicks, I'm working my ass off so that my family can have a better life than I ever dreamed of having when I was a kid. And the only way for that to happen is for me to watch the freaking show! So relax, hon!

Linger by the Cranberries was the song playing during our first kiss, and you looked so hot in that pink sweater.

Yeah, I remember what Janine was wearing, she scared the shit out of me then!

Michael, like I said, good guys need a break. I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love, Morty P.S. Your wife's rockin' body still drives me crazy.

Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is THEY have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

"The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not much for blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.

Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

There are only 2 rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me you don't want that kind of attention, and you can't mess with free will.

You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father. He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son. People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor. There's freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.

Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.

No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says… God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!

What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way…

This is hilarious. So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor. Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though. One of you might need a ride home.

God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

See, that I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

The previous Buffalo record was 8 feet, 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelnick. If this beats Galdys', it will prove once and for all that the Kowolskis have much more free time. And the cookie is… 10 feet, 4 inches.

We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.

But what are we really looking at here? Is it just a big cookie, or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo, its dedicated and hardworking citizens the key ingredient, with a few nuts thrown in, and, finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm, chewy center, making out beloved Buffalo, the sweetest place to live. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.

Fine! The gloves are off, God! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!