Jerry Lewis Monologues

Then you're gonna have idiots like you plaguing your life!

I'm sure you can understand. Doing the kind of show I'm doing, it's mind-boggling. There's so much stuff that comes down... you can't keep your head clear. And if that's the case, I'm wrong. You're right. I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I apologize. I'm just a human being... with all of the foibles and all of the traps... the show, the pressure... the groupies, the autograph hounds... the crew, the incompetence... those behind-the-scenes you think are your friends. You're not sure if you'll be there tomorrow... because of their incompetence. There are wonderful pressures that make every day... a glowing, radiant day in your life. It's terrific. OK, if all of that means nothing... if I'm wrong,in spite of all that... then I apologize. I'm sorry. If you accept my apology... I think we should shake hands. We'll forget the whole thing. I won't press charges. You could be in deep trouble... but I will not press charges.

Alright, look pal.. gotta tell you… this is a crazy business, but it's not unlike any other business. There are ground rules, and you don't just walk on to a network show without experience. Now I know it's an old, hackneyed expression, but it happens to be the truth. You've got to start at the bottom.

It looks so simple to the viewer at home, those things that come so easily, that are so relaxed, and looks like it's a matter of just taking another breath. It takes years and years and years of honing that.

At least once in his life, every man is a genius. I'll tell you something, Rupe… it will be more than once in your life for you.

Because you've got it. From what I've heard here, yeah, you've got it... and you're stuck with it. If you wanted to get rid of it, you couldn't. It's always going to be there. I know there's no formula for it. I just don't know how you do it and I'm not curious, mind you... because I want to use the material. I'm curious because I don't know how you do it. I really have to ask you that. How do you do it?

"Were they strong enough?" If they were any stronger, you'd hurt yourself. They're marvelous, you daffy bastard. Leave them alone. They're beautiful. A man said- Listen to me.

Listen to me! A man said something very profound some years ago... which I later originated.

"If ain't broke, don't fix it!" Want to know how I know it's so good?

'Cause I envy you. I hate you, but I envy you... because it's purity, it's marvelous, it's humor based on you. No one else could do it, but you.

I wouldn't lie. I wouldn't lie to you, Rupe.

This weekend is perfect for you to come to the house, if you care to. We'll hash it around... only 'cause I want to know how you do it. There'll be people there, but we can still work.

Let's go to my office and we'll play the tape right now.

Nobody's calling you stupid. You pulled this off. That makes you very smart.