Justin Long Monologues

I feel like I'm in the wrong world.

Cause I don't belong in a world where we don't end up together. I don't.

There are parallel universes out there where this didn't happen.

Where I was with you, and you were with me.

And whatever universe that is that's the one where my heart lives in.

I never thought love was real, now I think life isn't real without it.

Kimberly... I used to find it really annoying you said 'so' all the time. Bugged the shit out of me. And I... I love it. I love it now. After we have sex and you shrug your shoulders and you say 'I'm here all week!,' - love that. I love that a single strand of your hair can fall so perfectly to the side and you don't even know. I love the little blue veins behind your eyes. I love your eyes. Knowing you goes down as easily the best thing that's ever happened to me. Easily. If I were a restaurant, you'd be my special, but nobody could order you, 'cause I'd just want you to be mine, just all mine. Not in, like, a biblical slavery-owning sense, or a pimp-prostitute dynamic of "you be mine, bitch," but... but just in that... you're my love. You're my love. But my favorite thing of all: I like you 'cause you like me. I don't know - I think that says a lot about how great you are as a person. So, um...

I was saying, "Don't miss her. " Earlier, when you saw me talking to myself. I was saying, "Don't miss her. " I'm always so afraid I'm gonna miss the important things in life. Something about you has given me a heightened curiosity to know you better. And that is a near impossible feat when it comes to me because I hate getting to know people. But I can tell you're not like the others.

Whenever anybody emails me hugs and kisses, I wanna just email them back oral and penetration.

You hurt me! You really hurt me this time, Kimberly… I wanna break up with you. I don't love you.

That is what I want to say actually. I don't... I don't love you, Kimberly. Honestly, I don't know if I ever really did. And you definitely didn't. If you're capable of making choices that knowingly hurts the other person, that's not love.

Reality is I could have met any number of girls to be with for a few years. That was your lie. Alright? Texting Jack behind my back. It came when I least expected it. I fell for it hook, line and sinker and it fucking hurts. That was your lie. Bravo.

All I ever wanted was the truth.

Why does it feel so impossible to let you go? It's an addiction, you know. That's all it is. It's a biochemical addiction. It's so stupid. If you think about it relationships are all totally narcissistic. Basically, you're just looking for someone who'll love you as much as you love yourself. That's all it is.

Something's wrong. I know it, Kimberly, I know you. You have circles under your eyes. You were the type of girl that could sleep through wars. And despite that, you're still looking so beautiful. More beautiful than ever, in fact. It's usually a sign you wanna remind the world that you're a sexual being because your man's not picking up the signal. You've checked out of this relationship, haven't you? You're not happy. Also, you're listening to Roxette. I know that means the beginning of the end. And let's get real for a second about the ring, alright. You're not having it sized. I'm sure you had your ring-size burned into Jack's memory years ago. Fuck, I still remember it, 4.5. You didn't wear the ring because you didn't want me to see it. Don't marry him, okay. I want you back. I know you want me back too. That's why I'm here. That's what you've been wanting to say to me this whole time…

This is not a dream.

I should know that I'm a C, may be a C+ in the winter time when I can cover up my body more. And even though you're a douchebag, you're still incredibly attractive. So, maybe it's only fair, you two pair.

Dell: I just have to tell you something more important really quick. You know that book I've been reading, "The Selfish Gene" by Richard Dawkins, there's this fascinating part I just read about memes. He basically says that ideas are like genes that self-replicate and mutate, like a cultural form of evolution, I was thinking how that applies to us, you know? The idea of us, how we've really mutated and evolved. Right? Because you think about it, we were just dumb, young kids when we first met. And then we broke up, got back together, blah blah blah. And now we're this really mature, loving couple who's grown respect and admiration for each other.

Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces, and it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are, just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College and their - their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.

Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?

You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities, and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me: I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit-load at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place, 'cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us, so GO!

Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein. You know? Pocahontas never went to college. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim; they had a great run. Both Lewis and Clark. Suzanne Somers. Bono.

Okay ha ha. I'll tell you something though, all our lives we've been told what to learn, well today the tide is going to turn my friend because today we're gonna ask the customers.

Hey! I hate my life. I'm a huge tool. Have fun being hot.