Aaron Altman

You know, I've been thinking. Everything is… just comes together. It's me. I chose this. I chose all of this. This rock… this rock has been waiting for me my entire life. In its entire life, ever since it was a bit of meteorite a million, billion years ago up there In space. It's been waiting, to come here. Right, right here. I've been moving towards it my entire life. The minute I was born, every breath I've taken, every action has been leading me to this crack on the earth's surface.

Good morning, everyone! It is 7 o'clock here in Canyonlands, USA! And this morning on the boulder, we have a very special special guest, self-proclaimed American superhero, Aron Ralston! Let's hear it for Aron!

Hey. Hi. Oh, gosh, it's... It's a real pleasure to be here. Thank you. Thank you! Heh. Eh-heh. Em... Hey, can I say hi to my mom and dad?

Mom and Dad! Mustn't forget Mom and Dad. Right, Aron?

Yeah, that's right. Eh… Hey, Mom. I'm really sorry I didn't answer the phone the other night. If I had, I would have told you where I was going, and then… Well, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

That's for sure! But like I always say… your supreme selfishness is our gain. Thank you, Aron. Anyone else you'd like to say hi to?

Ehm… Well, Brion at work.

Hey! Eh... I probably won't be making it into work today.

Get a load of this guy! Oh, wait. Hold on… We've got a question coming in from another Aron in Loser Canyon, Utah! Aron asks…

Am I right in thinking that even if Brion from work notifies the police, they'll put a 24-hour hold on it before they file a Missing Persons report? Which means you won't become officially missing until midday Wednesday, at the earliest?

Yeah. You're right on the money there, Aron.

Which means, I'll probably be dead by then.

Aron from Loser Canyon, Utah. How do you know so much?

Well, I'll tell you how I know so much. I volunteer for the rescue service. You see, I'm something of a... well, a big fucking hard hero.

And I can do everything on my own, you see?

I do see! Now... Is it true that despite, or maybe because you're a big fucking hard hero... you didn't tell anyone where you were going?

What I could really use is about 20 meters of static wrap rope, 9.8 mil. Uh, three or four pulleys, a rack of carabiners, a sling, power drill, and bolt kit. Oh, and uh, eight burly men to do all the hauling.

Good morning, everyone! It's 6:45 Tuesday morning in BJ Canyon! The weather is great. I figure by now that Leona, my housemate - Hi, Leona! - has missed me hopefully since I didn't show up last night. Another hour and a half they'll miss me for not showing up at work... Hi, Brion at work! Best case scenario is they notify the police and after a 24 hour hold they file a report, a missing person's report. Which means noon tomorrow it's official that I'm gone. I do still have the tiniest bit of water left. Well, actually, I've resorted... I've had a couple pretty good gulps of urine that I saved in my Camelbak. I sort of let it distill... It tastes like hell. So, it's 70 hours since I left on my bike from Horseshoe Trailhead during which time I have consumed 3 liters of water, a couple of mouthfuls of piss...

Did I say the weather is great? Well, it is. Though flash floods potential is still present. There's four-prong major canyons upstream from me that all converge in this 3 foot wide gap where I am. The rock I pulled down on top of me, it was put there by flood. Still, I'd get a drink.

Mom, Dad, I really love you guys. I wanted to take this time to say the times we've spent together have been awesome. I haven't appreciated you in my own the way I know I could. Mom, I love you. I wish I'd returned all of your calls, ever. I really have lived this last year. I wish I had learned some lessons more astutely, more rapidly, than I did. I love you. I'll always be with you.

Ok, I'll meet you at the place near the thing where we went that time.

I know you care about him. I've never seen you like this about anyone, so please don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the Devil.

What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around?

Come on! Nobody is going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail! What's he gonna sound like?

No. I'm semi-serious here.

He will be attractive! He'll be nice and helpful. He'll get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation. He'll never do an evil thing! He'll never deliberately hurt a living thing... he will just bit by little bit lower our standards where they are important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he'll talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women.

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?

A lot of alliterations from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!

And if things had gone differently for me tonight, then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: He personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lede.

And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense... and it's you.

I'm going to stop right now. Except that I would give anything if you were two people, so that I could call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one that I like *so much*!

Here's a good one. They allow us to have cameras at an execution in Florida. Do you broadcast tape of the guy in the chair when they turn on the voltage?

No, NICE calls, worried that I was having a heart attack.

I think we have the kind of friendship where if I were the devil, you'd be the only one I would tell.

Six years from now, I'll be back here with my wife and two kids. And I'll see you, and one of my kids will say, "Daddy, who is that?" And I'll say it's not nice to point at single fat women.

No, I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses it against their bosses buttocks and then smooches is an ass-kisser.

I can sing while I read, I am singing and reading both.

120 people were reported injured, at least 22 people died.

I wish I were one of them.

If anything happens to me, you tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.