Adam McKay

And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.

Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.

You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin'? Hello? Who is this? Baxter… is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee… Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?

Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!

I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.

Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.

Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I… I wanna be on you.

Yes, I do. Um… I'm sorry, it's… It's the pleats. It's actually an optical illusion, it's the pattern on the pant's that it's not flattering in the crotchal region. I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the… The pants store. Well, this is awkward. I'm gonna walk this situation off and I will see you later.

Nothing to look at! Get back to work everyone! Don't act like you're not impressed!

Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?

A La Jolla man clings to life at a University Hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen.

Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!

I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Oop… I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time... No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.

What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole… wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something.

You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.

I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

The human torch was denied a bank loan.

I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.

This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diego or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.

Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.

Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...

I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

Little Ham 'n Eggs comin' at ya, hold on people hope ya got your griddles...

If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.

Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.

I can't believe you *did* this to me! You read my news!

I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary, "Veronica had a very funny joke today!" I laughed at it later that night!

Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you *scorpion* woman!

We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...

…laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.

For just one night let's not be Co-workers. Let's be Co-people.

I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.

Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.

I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.

Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.

I can feel your incriminations and your judgment, and I am fine with that. You want to be loved? Go be a movie star. The world is as you find it. You've gotta deal with that reality that there are monsters in this world. We saw 3,000 innocent people burned to death by those monsters, and yet you object when I refuse to kiss those monsters on the cheek and say "pretty please." You answer me this, what terrorist attack would you have let go forward so you wouldn't seem like a mean and nasty fella? I will not apologize for keeping your family safe. And I will not apologize for doing what needed to be done so that your loved ones could sleep peaceably at night. It has been my honor to be your servant. You chose me. And I did what you asked.

Well, George, I, uh... I'm a CEO... of a large company. And I have been Secretary of Defense... and I have been White House Chief of Staff. The Vice Presidency is a mostly symbolic job.

However, if we came to a, uh... different... understanding... I can handle the more mundane... jobs. Overseeing bureaucracy... military... energy... and, uh... foreign policy.

Has blindness usurped vision in you, my wife? No mere treaty is our union. Thou shared thy torch's flame with mine. Revealing halls and spires... of long faded empires. And now, I may hold aloft mine own fiery cresset. And make flesh our bond of power.

We, uh, have found some very interesting candidates. Um, if we could schedule a three-hour window to get through...

No. I'm CEO of a large company. I have been, uh, Secretary of Defense. I have been Chief of Staff. Uh, the vice presidency is mostly a symbolic job.

However... the vice presidency is also defined by the president. And if were to come to a, uh... different understanding...

I sense that, uh, you're a kinetic leader. You make decisions based on instinct.

Yeah, yeah. Very different. Very different from, uh, from your father in that regard. Now, maybe I can, uh, handle the more mundane jobs. Overseeing bureaucracy, managing military, uh, energy, uh, foreign policy.

One more thing. My daughter, Mary.

Now, I know you have to, uh, run against, uh, gay marriage in the South, Midwest, and, uh...

But it's my daughter, and that line is drawn in concrete.

He wants to impress his father… more than anything.

My quantitative. My math specialist. Look at him, you notice anything different about him? Look at his face.

Look at his eyes, I'll give you a hint, his name is Yang. He won a national math competition in China! HE DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH! Yeah I'm sure of the math.

Tell me the difference between stupid and illegal and I'll have my wife's brother arrested.

Let me put it this way: I'm standing in front of a burning house, and I'm offering you fire insurance on it.

When you come for the payday, I'm gonna rip your eyes out. I'm gonna make a fortune. The good news is Vinnie, you're not going to care cause you're gonna make so much money. That's what I get out of it. Wanna know what you get out of it? You get the ice cream, the hot fudge, the banana and the nuts. Right now I get the sprinkles, and ya - if this goes thru, I get the cherry. But you get the sundae Vinny. You get the sundae.

In the years that followed, hundreds of bankers and rating-agency executives went to jail. The SEC was completely overhauled, and Congress had no choice but to break up the big banks and regulate the mortgage and derivative industries. Just kidding! Banks took the money the American people gave them, and used it to pay themselves huge bonuses, and lobby the Congress to kill big reform. And then they blamed immigrants and poor people, and this time even teachers! And when all was said and done, only one single banker went to jail this poor schmuck!

Let's not talk about my margins by the way. Being nice and fat… That's a nice shirt, do they make it for men?

If the mortgage bonds were the match, then the CDOs were the kerosene soaked rags, then the synthetic CDO was the atomic bomb that the drunk President holding his finger over the button, it was at that moment in that dumb restaurant, with that stupid look on his face that Mark Baum realized the whole world economy might collapse.

Is this America's angriest hedge fund?

There's a nicer way to say that, Vinnie.

I'm not fucking you, Vinnie. I'm kissing you. I'm looking deep into your eyes as I make love to you, Vinnie. I'm handing you the deal of the century on a fucking platter. What do I get out of it? Easy. I've got a 20 million a month negative carry. I've got bosses trying to pull the plug because they think I'm out of my fucking mind. All right? We make this trade, those problems aren't so big anymore. And sure, swaps are a dark market, so I set the price. whatever price I want. And when you come for the payday, I'm gonna rip your eyes out, I'm gonna make a fortune. But the good news is, Vinnie, you're not gonna care because you're gonna make so much fucking money. That's what I get out of it. Want to know what you get out of it? You get the ice cream, the hot fudge, the banana, and the nuts. right now I get the sprinkles, and yeah, if this goes through, I get the cherry. But you get the sundae, Vinnie. You get the sundae.

I'm telling you, your bet is against dumb money. It's about time you find out just how dumb that money really is.

My quantitative! My math specialist, look at him! You notice anything different about him? Look at his face!

Look at his eyes! I'll give you a hint. His name's Yang! He won a national math competition in China! He doesn't even speak English! Yeah, I'm sure of the math.

We live in an era of fraud in America. Not just in banking, but in government, education, religion, food, even baseball… What bothers me isn't that fraud is not nice. Or that fraud is mean. For fifteen thousand years, fraud and short sighted thinking have never, ever worked. Not once. Eventually you get caught, things go south. When the hell did we forget all that? I thought we were better than this, I really did.

And as fun as it is seeing pompous dumb Wall Streeters be wildly wrong, and you are *wrong*, sir. I just know that at the end of the day regular people are going to pay for all of this. Because they always, always do. That's my two cents. Thank you.

I have a feeling in a few years people are going to be doing what they always do when the economy tanks. They will be blaming immigrants and poor people.

The banks have given us 25% interest rates on credit cards. They have screwed us on student loans that we can never get out from under. Then this guy walks into my office and says those same banks got greedy, they lost track of the market, and I can profit off of their stupidity? Fuck, yeah, I want him to be right!

We're going to wait and we're going to wait and we're going to wait until they feel the pain, until they start to bleed.

And I'm getting madder and madder and I ask this guy how he sleeps at night knowing he's ripping off working people and he just leaves. He doesn't say a word. He just walks away from the lunch. So am I fucked up or is he?

So mortgage bonds are dog shit. CDOs are dog shit wrapped in cat shit.

I can't hate him. He is so transparent in his self interest that I kind of respect him.

Okay, look. If home prices don't go up, you are not going to be able to refinance. And you'll be stuck paying whatever your monthly payment is once it jumps up after your teaser rate expires. Your monthlies could go up two-, three-hundred percent.

Well, he's a liar. Actually, in this particular case, James probably is wrong.

What do you mean "all" your loans? We're talking about two loans on one house, right?

This guy's whole business is built on ripping people off, how long can that last?

So let me get this straight. The bank calls you up. They give you the bonds they want to sell. They give you clients, they give you money to run your business, give you fat fees for doing so, but you represent the investors!

You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs... all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons... Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.

No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.

Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.

I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.