Jesse Eisenberg Monologues

No! Okay, alright for example, junior year I was dating this girl Betsy Cooke. Betsy was kind of like, she was kind of a prude actually. Anyway one day I was reading Shakespeare and I realized I don't really love this person. You know? It was one of the sonnets, "being your slave, what should I do but tend upon the hours and times of your desires?" And I realized I don't want to tend to Betsy's hours or her times. Alright that doesn't matter. Anyway, I drove to Betsy's house and I was literally about to tell her and that's the night she said she wanted to have sex. Can you believe it? It was the same night.

Ladies and gentlemen, put down your mint juleps. Horses are all at the starting gate. Okay, and they're off! And Red bolts out of the gate, taking an early lead! But look out! Here comes Green, issuing a challenge from the outside lane. Green runs well on a muddy track, folks, so today's conditions might give him a slight edge. And Yellow is dead last! What a dissapointment after Yellow's strong showing at Saratoga last spring. Wait! Look out! Wait a second! Out of nowhere, Orange breaks ahead of the pack, and now, in the backstretch, Orange and Green. Orange and Green, and Orange takes it by a nose! Green places and Red shows. Please come to the window to collect your winnings!

Wait, Em! I think I maybe see you a little differently than you see yourself. Yes I see the person who fucked up, but I also see the person who saved me from being knifed over a giant-ass panda, who introduced me to psychotropic chocolate-chip cookies, who stood up for Joel, and who doesn't make apologies for herself. Look, my theory is you can't just avoid everybody you screw up with. And you should trust me, I'm a New Yorker.

No, that's a valid question. But actually journalism is kind of like this old boys' network still. You need the right connections. It's very Ivy League, very exclusive. Stupid. I think my mother would rather I intern as some Fortune 500 company or something like that.

I need to tell you something. Last week I went on a date with Lisa P. She asked me out. It was nothing. We kissed a little bit at the end of the date and I felt her breast a little bit, but nothing else.

No. No intercourse. Look, I'm sorry. It's just you and I never talked about being exclusive. I don't want to see her again, okay? You're the one I.

Look, we'll both be in New York soon and I want to hang out with you. I want to get to know you better if you want to get to know me better as well.

I know, but, I want to owe you things. I'm ready to owe you things, okay? Because I really, really care about you. Are you mad at me? Because I'm sorry.

Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland.

The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons… were the fatties.

You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for "not to be fucked with".

You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.

Tallahassee firmly believes that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland... or else you'll lose what's left of your mind. Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, then I say "Hey, go ape shit".

The plague of the 21st Century, remember mad cow disease? Well mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. It's a fast acting virus that leaves you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, makes you hateful and violent and leaves you with a really bad case of the munchies.

I'm living the dream.I had always, my whole life wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear.

In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda... coulda... shoulda.

A zombie isn't a dead person who's just come back to life. It's someone who's been infected with the plague of the 21st century... Zombiism's carried in bodily fluids, and these fluids are highly contagious and fast acting when they mix with your fluids. So, if you're thinking of going tongue-to-tonsil with your suddenly less cute neighbor...try something a little more innocent... Mom and Dad would have to wait...

You tell yourself over and over, this did not just happen… It did not… It did not… it did not… It couldn't have… it… it couldn't have… But it did… In the name of every sane thing that came before it… and all that I have come to know, and expect about the world… it did…

So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.

I think if your clients want to sit on my shoulders and call themselves tall, they have the right to give it a try - but there's no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. You have part of my attention - you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing.

You know, you really don't need a forensics team to get to the bottom of this. If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you'd have invented Facebook.

As for any charges stemming from the breach of security, I believe I deserve some recognition from this board.

Ma'am, I know you've done your homework and so you know that money isn't a big part of my life, but at the moment I could buy Mt. Auburn Street, take the Phoenix Club, and turn it into my ping-pong room.

Did you know there are more people with genius IQs living in China than there are people of any kind living in the United States?

I went to my friend for the money because that's who I wanted to be partners with. Eduardo was the president of the Harvard Investors Association, and he was also my best friend.

Without money the site can't function. Okay, let me tell you the difference between Facebook and everyone else, we don't crash EVER! If those servers are down for even a day, our entire reputation is irreversibly destroyed! Users are fickle, Friendster has proved that. Even a few people leaving would reverberate through the entire userbase. The users are interconnected, that is the whole point. College kids are online because their friends are online, and if one domino goes, the other dominos go, don't you get that? I am not going back to the Caribbean Night at AEPi!

All I meant is that you're not likely to... currently. I wasn't making a comment on your appearance, I was saying that you go to BU. I was stating a fact, that's all. And if it seemed rude, than of course I apologize.

I don't hate anybody. The "Winklevii" aren't suing me for intellectual property theft. They're suing me because for the first time in their lives, things didn't go exactly the way they were supposed to for them.