Will Ferrell Monologues

And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.

Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.

You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin'? Hello? Who is this? Baxter… is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee… Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?

Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!

I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.

Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.

Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I… I wanna be on you.

Yes, I do. Um… I'm sorry, it's… It's the pleats. It's actually an optical illusion, it's the pattern on the pant's that it's not flattering in the crotchal region. I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the… The pants store. Well, this is awkward. I'm gonna walk this situation off and I will see you later.

Nothing to look at! Get back to work everyone! Don't act like you're not impressed!

Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?

A La Jolla man clings to life at a University Hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen.

Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!

I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Oop… I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time... No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.

What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole… wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something.

You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.

I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

The human torch was denied a bank loan.

I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.

This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diego or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.

Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.

Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...

I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

Little Ham 'n Eggs comin' at ya, hold on people hope ya got your griddles...

If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.

Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.

I can't believe you *did* this to me! You read my news!

I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary, "Veronica had a very funny joke today!" I laughed at it later that night!

Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you *scorpion* woman!

We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...

…laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.

For just one night let's not be Co-workers. Let's be Co-people.

I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.

Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.

I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.

Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.

You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs... all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons... Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.

No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.

Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.

I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.

At age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.

OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don't like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said 'You know what, lion tastes good, let's go get some more lion'. We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.

We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and out-manned.

I can't hear! I can't hear! There's blood blisters on my hands! Oh, my God! How do you walk away in a movie without flinching when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that! When they flew the Millennium Falcon outside of the Death Star, and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!

I gave my love to Erin/She promised to be true/I went to war to come back/And find five British soldiers/Had their way with her/It was consensual

And all their fathers were hanged/And the children all got pink eye/While their Harry Potter books were burned.

We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.

Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited 5 hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news - I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?…

"I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR."

Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.

First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.

I'm sorry that I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies in the VCR. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'll never forget you. Love, Buddy.