I loved her so. And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I’d done. But the love… was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret. The goddamn regret! Oh, and I’ll die. Now I’ll die, and I’ll tell you what… the biggest regret of my life… I let my love go. What did I do? I’m sixty-five years old. And I’m ashamed. A million years ago… the fucking regret and guilt, these things, don’t ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn’t regret anything. Don’t do that. Don’t! You regret what you fucking want! Use that. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, OK? Oh, God. This is a long way to go with no punch. A little moral story, I say… Love. Love. Love. This fucking life… oh, it’s so fucking hard. So long. Life ain’t short, it’s long. It’s long, goddamn it. Goddamn. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil. Phil, help me. What did I do?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I went to her school for that grade. Grade – that’s grade twelve. And we meet. She was… fucking like a doll. A beautiful porcelain doll. And the hips, child-bearing hips, you know that? So, so beautiful. And I cheated on her… over and over and over again. Because I wanted to be a man. And I didn’t want her to be a woman, you know? A smart, free person who was something! My fucking mind then. So stupid, that fucking mind! Stupid! Jesus Christ! What would I think, did I think for what I’d done? She was my wife for twenty-three years… and I went behind her over and over. Fucking asshole that I am. I’d go out and I’d fuck and I’d come home and get in her bed… and say… “I love you.” This is Jack’s mother. His mother, Lily. These two… that I had… and I lost. This is the regret that you make. This is the… regret that you make and the something you take and the blah, blah, blah, something, something. Gimme a cigarette. Mistakes like this… you don’t make. Sometimes… you make some and OK. Not OK, sometimes, you make other ones. Know that you should do better. I loved Lily. I cheated on her. She was my wife for twenty-three years. And I have a son. And she has cancer. And I’m not there, and he’s forced to take care of her. He’s fourteen years old. To… to take care of his mother… and watch her die on him. A little kid, and I’m not there. And she does die.
Don’t ever let anyone ever say to you, ‘You shouldn’t regret anything.’ Don’t do that, don’t! You regret what you fucking want! And use that, use that, use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, okay?
This fucking life… it’s so fucking hard, so long! Life ain’t short, it’s long, it’s long, God damn it!
