Gerard Butler Monologues

My wife and daughter can't feel anything. They're dead.

I'm just getting started. I'm gonna pull the whole thing down. I gonna bring the whole fuckin' diseased corrupt temple down on your heads. It's gonna be Biblical.

No, I don't think I will excuse you. You see, this is what I'm talking about. You were about to let me go. Are you kidding me? This is why we're here in the first place. You think I don't remember who you are, lady?

Well, how carefully should I tread? Because apparently I just killed two people, and you were about to let me walk right out that door! How MISGUIDED are you? I feed you a couple of bullshit legal precedents, and there you go - you jump on it like a bitch in heat. Folks, you all hang out...

…in the same little club…

…and every day you let madmen and murderers back on the street. You're too busy treating the law…

…like it's a fucking assembly line!

These are tourniquets, so you don't bleed out, 'cause you may be here a while. Saline solution, that should keep us going. Clamps nice and secure. Comfortable? You really are shaking. Sure you're all right? You'll love this. Adrenaline. Now this is so you don't pass out. There you go. How's it feel? Good? Now what we don't want is you swallowing your tongue, so bear with me... There we go. Now this is for your penis, but we'll get to that later. Scalpel. This is for your eyelids... in case you insist on fucking shutting them. You see, I know what it feels like to be helpless. Just like when I watched you slaughter my whole family. Oh, you can't fight fate, right, Darby...? Oh! Look, I made this especially for you. You like it? I didn't want you to miss anything. Now you have the best view in the house. You hear that? Your heart is beating so fast. You know, me too. Look. Now they get to watch you suffer. They'll be the last thing you ever see… as I cut off every single one of your fucking limbs. See, I wasn't lying when I told you I wanted to keep you out of prison. That was the truth.

This... Tetrodotoxin. Should be nicely into your system by now. Isolated from the liver of a Caribbean Puffer Fish. So, it paralyzes you... and leaves all the other neurological functions perfectly intact. In other words, you can't move... but you feel everything. It does absolutely nothing to blunt the pain... and you're about to experience more of that, than you could ever fucking imagine.

Oh, really? I don't think so. Let's think back. What did I say? That "I wanted to kill Clarence Darby"? Yeah, sure. What father wouldn't? That "Darby and Ames both deserved to die"? I think most people would agree with that. That "I planned it over and over in my head"? Yeah, who wouldn't fantasize about that? None of these are an admission of guilt, Nick. You might wanna check the tape.

Well, it's not what you know, it's what you can prove in court! Didn't you tell me that once?

I took his fingers with bolt cutters, his toes with tin snips, his balls with a hack saw, and his penis with a box cutter, how's that for specifics?

Switching the canisters was easy. Everything's automated these days, so I just hacked into the shipping company's server and swapped a few numbers around so the package came to me. Then I switched the potassium chloride with something a little more... deliberate.

What if I had another confession to make?

But another confession would mean another deal, Nick, so you would have to give me something in return. You ever been to Del Frisco's? They cater. So for lunch, I would love a 200z porterhouse steak, medium, maybe a little bit charred, with all the trimmings- pommes frites, asparagus, butter squash.

You know what? Can I have my iPod as well? I'd love a little bit of music with my meal.

Your Honor, I'm a law-abiding citizen. I'm just a regular guy. I am not a flight risk. And this is my first alleged offense. And the prosecution has not presented one single piece of evidence against me. Now in these circumstances, unless the state has obtained some new piece of information relating to my involvement in the matter in question, then I find it highly prejudiciaI, even constitutionally offensive, to keep me detained without bail. It's a slippery slope, Your Honor. Haven't we seen the result of such violations, both internationally and domestically? Case in point would be Day v. McDonough, docket 041325.

Vengeance? That's what you think this is about? Vengeance?

No, Nick, I had 10 years for vengeance, if that's what I wanted. You don't think that I watch you go to work every morning at 8:00 AM? Or that I watch Kelly take Denise to school, 8:15? No, I could have slaughtered you or your family anytime I wanted!

You were doing your job the way that best served you, Nick - the way that it best served you. That has to change.

Oh, I know, I've got a great idea! Why don't we pass the time with you telling me how much *fun* you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?

What?

Oh, c'mon, I never had a chance with you.

Oh, yeah? Well what does that mean?

Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying. Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.

I just told you that I loved you and all you heard was "psycho." Well you're the definition of neurotic.

Shut up! Yet again I just told you I'm in love with you and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.

Beats the shit out of me, but I am.

Let me tell you something about women. Women would have us believe that they are the victims; That we break their hearts for sport. That's crap. They say they want romance, they say they want true love, but all they want is a check list. Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor? For you men who fit the criteria, don't kid yourselves. Cuz they're not sleeping with you, they're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices. Money over substance, looks over soul, polished over principles. No gesture, no matter how real or romantic will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.

I want to thank you for getting me this gig, I would never have gotten it without you. You and I? We make good TV.

YOU make imbecillic trash watched by house-bound inbreds who are so busy with their hands down their pants they can't change the remote.

I, I hadn't really been picturing you that way, but it's a nice image.

Well, you want to thank your pussy for me, then?

You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper.

Now, we have to teach you flirting.

You know how to flirt. "Oh, my name's Abby and I love reading Tolstoy. I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics." I don't think so.

Hey, you know what? I wouldn't say that, and I wouldn't grab ass.

He's an idiot. I figured you out in two. Now tell him good night and stick your tits out, we're going to give this one last shot.

You are just totally trying to kill my buzz.

Well, for your information, it was more than just one. It was more like a parade. Codependent girls, unfaithful girls, depressed girls, narcissistic girls, phony girls. Girls who, it turned out, didn't actually like me. By the time I hit 30, I realized that you can only have so many lousy relationships before you figure out there's no such thing as a good one.

So there you have it. Never assume a girl is easy or assume she's a prude. There are many layers in between, and it's your job, gentlemen, to peel back those layers and figure out exactly what type of woman you're dealing with.

Because once you do peel back those layers, my friends, her lady garden awaits.

Sing once again with me our strange duet. / My power over you grows stronger yet. / And though you turn from me to glance behind, / The Phantom of the Opera is there, inside your mind.

You have come here, in pursuit of your deepest urge. In pursuit of that wish which 'til now has been silent… SILENT! I have brought you, that our passions may fuse and merge. In your mind you've already sucummed to me. Dropped all defenses, completely sucummed to me. Now you are here with me. No second thoughts. You've decided… DECIDED! Past the point of no return. No backward glances… our games of make-believe are at an end! Past all thought of if or when. No use resisting… abandon thought and let the dream descend! What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desires unlock its door? What sweet seductions lie before us? Past the point of no return. The final threshold… what warm unspoken secrets will we learn? Beyond the point of no… return!

But Christine - fear can turn to love. You'll learn to see, to find the man behind the monster, this… repulsive carcass who seems a beast but secretly dreams of beauty secretly… secretly. Oh, Christine.

That fate which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me the joys of the flesh. This face - the infection which poisons our love. This face which earned a mother's fear and loathing, a mask: my first unfeeling scrap of clothing. Pity comes too late, turn around and face your fate, an eternity of this before your eyes!

Seal my fate tonight. I hate to have to cut the fun short, but the joke's wearing thin. Let the audience in. Let my opera BEGIN!

Why so silent, good monsieurs? Did you think that I had left you for good? Have you missed me, good monsieurs? I have written you an opera! Here I bring the finished score - Don Juan Triumphant! Fondest greetings to you all. A few instructions now before rehearsals start: Carlotta must be taught to act, not her normal trick of strutting 'round the stage. Our Don Juan must lose some weight; it's not healthy in a man of Piangi's age. And my managers must learn that their place is in an office! not the arts. As for our star, Miss Christine Daae... no doubt she'll do her best. It's true her voice is good; she knows, though, should she wish to excel, she has much still to learn, if pride will let her return to me, her teacher... her teacher.

Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair! Down we plunge to the prison of my mind! Down that path into darkness deep as Hell! Why, you ask, was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place? Not for any mortal sin, but the wickedness of my abhorrent face!

Christine Daae has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress. In the new production of "Il Muto", you will therefore cast Carlotta... as the Pageboy, and put Ms. Daae in the role of Countess. The role which Ms. Daae plays calls for charm and appeal. The role of the Pageboy is silent, which makes my casting- in a word... ideal.

I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five, which *will* be kept empty for me. Should these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your imaginations will occur. I remain, gentlemen, you obedient servant. O. G.

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Lead me, save me from my solitude. Say you'll want me with you here beside you. Anywhere you go, let me go too. Christine, that's all I ask of…

I gave you my music... made your song take wing... and now, how you've repaid me: denied me and betrayed me. He was bound to love you when he heard you sing... Christine... Christine...

That fate which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me the joys of the flesh this face-the infection which poisons our love. This face which earned a mother's fear and loathing, a mask my first unfeeling scrap of clothing. Pity comes too late, turn around and face your fate, an eternity of this before your eyes!